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Miss Pinkie Shears
Dear Pinkie Shears,
I recently watched the Miss USA Pageant on television and it got me to thinking. Why are the contestants so ugly? I thought these women were supposed to be the most beautiful women in each of the 50 states and Puerto Rico. Are they lying to us about that?
All the young ladies in the pageant have been through several other pageants to get where they are. If we excuse the sponsors and the audience, we can only blame the judges. Considering the fine talent they hire to jury Miss USA, one can only guess at the caliber of individuals presiding over the state, county and district pageants. The owner of a local car dealership and the regional weatherperson may be fine people, but clearly they go for teeth, tits and hair.
Dear Miss Pinkie,
I think I may have overplucked my eyebrows to fit into the swing scene, and now I don't know what to do. I don't look like a real doll, I look like a plastic doll. Do you have any advice beyond the usual penciling them back in?
Dear Lindy Lu,
If you don't follow the spell book exactly, glamour can give you a nice burn by which to remember your mistakes. Aside from penciling, what advice could I have? Only time will (hopefully) see the regrowth of your brows. But don't be so dismissive. You can get quite good at penciling with a bit of practice. Where most people have just plain old boring brows, you can change a girlish daytime arch to a dramatic evening glare of unwavering condescension with a mere flick of your wrist. If you prefer the casual look, try country bumpkin: everything done, just not done well. And even though tooth black may seem a bit costumey, I have a feeling that there will be moments when it just might be your perfect accessory.
Dear Pinkie Shears,
Can you tell me what kind of perfume to wear to attract the right kind of guy? I don't want to smell too sexy or cheap. More like cute, skinny and available. Like Ally McBeal. What perfume does she wear?
Are you cute, skinny and available? Or do you just wish to smell that way? Ally McBeal is just a television character and therefore cannot have a smell. But don't be disheartened. You seem to be something of a nitwit, so maybe you and Ally can share that instead.
In need of advice? Send all queries and comments to Miss Pinkie Shears at San Francisco Metropolitan, 1776A 18th St, San Francisco, 94107. Miss Shears cannot be reached by phone.
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From the March 1, 1999 issue of the Metropolitan.
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