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[whitespace] Healthy Handouts: A cauliflower tree towered over the buffet table of edible flora at the WholePeople.com gala.

Lust, Legumes and Libations

The Diva plunges into a wholesome experience

By Dotcom Diva

Gentle readers, do you ever have one of those days when the thought of being surrounded by mobs of dot-commoners makes your stomach turn? Well, the Diva was having one of those days. And though free dinner and the promise of countless sugar-rimmed Sidecars lay waiting to console at Viant.com's soiree at the Spectrum Gallery, she hesitated with a sneer--that is, until she heard the party was for Whole Foods.

Actually the party was for WholePeople.com. Same difference--apparently WholePeople is the conglomeration of Whole Foods and somebody else (who cares). The point is that Viant, kings of benevolence, splashed out thousands for this "do" on behalf of the merger and to impress its other clients, as well as party crashers, of course.

Whole Foods was on the ball that night--never have I seen such splendid fare at a party! Half-shelled oysters cracked open at the spot by burly men with sharp utensils; clams, ahi tuna on cucumber boats, wild mushroom filo pastries, and countless wedges of cheese. Whole foods, and a whole lotta it, honey. For second helpings, I moved to the vegetable display and behold, a blooming paradisio of edible flora--watermelon, radishes, lotus root, edamame, baby carrots, mushrooms bigger than your wallet (well, my wallet anyway), tomatoes redder than your face after a friend spots you at a dotcom party, and strawberries more succulent than a stock option.

Auntie Em, am I dreaming or is this a hippie Christmas? Not that the Diva is crunchy by any means. She deodorizes with religious zest, detests putrid oils, and only says her mantras when she's into something deep. Ahem, excuse me, it's actually "hallelujahs" she interjects when she's there, but that's another story. Anyway, muesli doesn't tickle her tail, and preservatives make her eyes shine. But who can resist a little bit of wholesome organic goodness every once in a while? Not the Diva, darling, not when it's free.

As I picked and piddled about the room, a distinguished middle-aged man, bathed in apparel that could only be described as "smartly casual"(a long-sleeved lavender top and off-white J. Crew slacks), sauntered his mustachioed self up the stairs atop the stage and hushed the room. Turns out he was John Mackey, CEO and co-founder of Whole Foods. The Diva was face-first in a bowl of chocolate-covered strawberries during the buzz of his speech--that is, until she heard the following: "One-point-six million in sales last year ..." She turned and met the eyes of dear John--so casual, so healthy, so rich. He tidily finished his spiel, familiarizing attendants with his company's slogan: "Whole foods, whole people, whole planet." The Diva's eyes glazed over. Whole wallet, whole brand-new Audi, whole wardrobe full of DK, whole weeks of eating nothing but oysters on the half shell. I immediately made my way to the CEO, but lost track amid the cheese trays, the spilling plates, the countless elbows carelessly sloshing cabernet. Alas, another dotcom where I was only an onlooker, solaced by my drink.

Have comments, queries, or naughty nuggets of e-gossip? Send them along to the Diva: [email protected]. Party invitations are especially welcome.

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From the April 17, 2000 issue of the Metropolitan.

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