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Fashion Advice

[whitespace] Miss Pinkie Shears

Miss Pinkie Shears

I'm off on a mission for several weeks. For you, this means a month of reruns, which compared to your average television network is quite generous, especially considering the comparative compensation I receive for my work. Try to get along without me. Remember, no black socks with your white shoes (yes, you, Bryan), and please use my new email address: [email protected]

Dear Miss Pinkie Shears,
I have two fashion problems. First, which direction do I buckle my belt? Does it mean something different if the tail goes to the right or the left? Single or married, gay or straight or something else? I want to send the right message. Second, what do I do about trainers? I know that wearing clean, shiny, high-tech trainers is very fashionable, but I am confused as to what to wear when I'm working out. Do I wear my cool trainers and risk getting them dirty? Do I get a whole other pair? And if I do, do they have to be as cool as my regular ones? And should I wear other shoes to commute to work in and then change to my trainers so I don't mess them up by walking around outside in them?
--Micki, Upper Haight

Dear Micki,
Many a book is written in Latin, but few know what they say. That does not, however, make the text any less eloquent or legible. The direction of your belt tail doesn't really symbolize anything except perhaps your manus dexterissima. But if you wish to advertise your status, orientation or ice cream preference through your belt, by all means do so. Simply keep in mind that as with semaphore, most will not be able to read your signals, and those who can will likely be bedridden at the VA Hospital and don't get out much.

The issue of trainers is an entirely different matter and is up for much debate. If you are determined to fit the mold of this trend, I will summarize the latest resolutions from the Hague for you. (Be advised that Europe and the States differ greatly in their interpretation of the Hague's decisions. I have decided to print only the EC guidelines, as they both began the trend and are far more progressive in their use of materials and concepts.)

    As of 22.1.99, be it resolved that visually dynamic trainers do not always provide ... the proper support for the individual involved in sport. Therefore it is recommended that pairs be ... purchased according to ... their requirements, aesthetics or fit, as needed. The appearance of trainers worn for ... fashion should coordinate with the overall look. Modernists and Lemmings should maintain a clean and unworn appearance. Eclectics and Hoppers should make decisions on a case-by-case basis. In all circumstances, when shoes seem ... no longer appropriate, recycle to sport functions or donate to organizations who provide for the unprosperous.
As for your commuting quandary, any profession that will allow you to wear trainers to work will also provide co-workers who might never stop laughing upon seeing you change from your sneakers to your trainers when you arrive.

In need of advice? Send all queries and comments to Miss Pinkie Shears at San Francisco Metropolitan, 1776A 18th St, San Francisco, 94107. Miss Shears cannot be reached by phone.

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From the August 2, 1999 issue of the Metropolitan.

Copyright © Metro Publishing Inc.