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Miss Pinkie Shears
How do I stop my mother from giving me a new "Holiday" sweatshirt every year? I just can't stand them. If I see another sequined Christmas tree or jingle bell or damn satin angel sewn onto red cotton-knit casualwear, I swear I'll scream.
--Holidays in Hell
It's time to accept the fact that you can't stop your mother from doing anything, just as she can't stop you from being an ungrateful brat. A mother will always, always, always have the worst taste in clothing for her adult child. Your local charity thrift stores rely on this fact. Try viewing these atrocities as gifts that your mother is giving to you so you won't have to do any shopping for her next year--in which case the actual gift you are receiving is time. Time is truly invaluable these days, which, unfortunately, leaves you seeming like an ingrate once again.
Dear Mrs. Shears,
I am a very fashion-conscious person, and being 12 years old I am starting to have to figure out what I want to be when I am old. We are having career day this week at school and I was wondering what careers you would suggest for me to look into. I want to be in the best-dressed career, so which one is that?
From where I'm sitting, Fashion Advice Columnist certainly looks the best. You will, however, need to pay a little more attention in English class. On a related note, I want to lodge my complaint against the workplace fashion phenomenon that has become synonymous with service ... the Vest. Every helper person at Safeway, Wal-Mart, Office Depot, AMC Theaters, airport ticket counters, many a restaurant and God knows where else is frocked up in a sleeveless polyester wonder pinned with a humiliating name tag. At least these poor souls are required to wear them. The drudges of Silicon Valley have elected to don this gruesome garment. Adding their own intriguing cyber-twist, they've opted for the more modern manmade fiber of polar fleece and a decidedly sporty cut. The zipper front, standing collar and cinched waistband simply scream "TECHNOLOGY!" When those who wish to define the next millennium can't create more of a personal identity than that of a uniformed Safeway bagger, it gives one pause and quite a good enough reason to have an extra martini with lunch.
In need of advice? Send all queries and comments to Miss Pinkie Shears at San Francisco Metropolitan, 1776A 18th St, San Francisco, 94107. Miss Shears cannot be reached by phone.
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From the December 7-20, 1998 issue of the Metropolitan.
Copyright © Metro Publishing Inc.